[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
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Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Respect
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“How’s your day going?”