[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
No, he would not have.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.