[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Jesus steals the winter solstice