Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
You Might Also Like
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Hot hot hot 🥵
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.