[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
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You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts