*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.