*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
cheese: i want a lawyer
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Me: ur husbands dead
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.
Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway