Leaving the Barbers like
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Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.