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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Welcome to the stomach
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Do not steal food from the science building!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.