Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
when there are deer in the woods
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit