Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman: