[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.