[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
*skinny dips into black hole
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop