Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
You Might Also Like
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.