@electric_Dad_

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

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@seyedele

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

@LoveNLunchmeat

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

@blade_funner

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

@Staggfilms

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

@batkaren

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

@lloydrang

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away