“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done