Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
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[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
yes… yes…
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
man i love columbo
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.