Left at a local drug store…
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?