Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
he looks great for his age
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Real House Wines.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]