Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.