Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa