Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them