Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados