Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
just gave your address to some spiders