Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Self-cleaning conscience
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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