Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*