Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.