Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
What is going on? 😅
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.