Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”