Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s![]()
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?