LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Seems legit