legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
meanwhile over on facebook
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.