Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.