Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.