Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I WON A HAM TODAY
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.