Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Monday Lisa
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.