Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old


OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won


That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.


A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.


I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.


Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer