Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
You Might Also Like
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.