Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

good work, detective

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.