Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*