Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
buys donuts instead
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on