@ElenaChainHelp1
@Brianhopecomedy “Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
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@Brianhopecomedy 
@catstronomical Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
@Kica333 Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
@emily_tweets I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
@AbrasiveGhost *deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
@LurkAtHomeMom Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
@AnniemuMary Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
@SteveSuckington [100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
@sparkle_cactus this is so top tier i cant
@crunchenhanced [In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!