@ElenaChainHelp1

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

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@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

@catstronomical

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

@Kica333

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

@emily_tweets

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

@AnniemuMary

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

@SteveSuckington

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

@crunchenhanced

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!