Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Me trying to “trust the process”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.