Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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What if the weather talks about us?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes