Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Saw your ex at the shops
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?