Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
termite twitter scares me
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.