Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Who says great literature is dead?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
i’m so old i’m almost back in style