Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
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BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.