Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

never deleting this app.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing