LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
as is their right
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.