Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”