Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down


it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat


A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.


[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…


migraine |my-grain|
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field


“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”


*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat


*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*


I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one