Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
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i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
need him
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”