if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?
Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one