leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
based al yankovic
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”