leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.