Leonardo DiCaprisun
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Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels