Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
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I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.