*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Interior design 👌
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The Punning Dead.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.