@KattsDogma

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

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@_radsy

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

@mic22ken

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

@slimmy_shady

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

@Jamberee13

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

@ColoradoUgly

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

@Kristen_Arnett

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

@subtweetopath

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.