Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart