Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.